Pounding heart. Sweat. Speed. Laughter. The joy of the run.

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

I love this quote. It is my email footer at work. It's a constant reminder on those days, those tough days. After being up with my own kids throughout the night, having my other 83 kids meltdown, getting a walkthrough, unjamming the copier for the GAZILLION time. Having a day. It's there… "Be the change" ..One of my mission statements. Changing something in the world, I want to be different…having the mindset, it's not about me.

What I wanted this year was movement…...

I wrote about this awhile ago on one of my Facebook posts, but I wanted to share a bit more because of the positive impact this program has had on kiddos, parents, and others in the community.
I wasn't okay with one of my students not being able to fit into a sixth grade desk due to his size. Seeing it was a problem for him, we had to request that the custodian bring a different desk upstairs. I felt so uneasy, sad, helpless, for him… what can I do for this year to be different? Literally, day 1 of meeting him…he was my goal; some sort of change needed to happen. 

“The biggest takeaway we want the kids to get from this partnership with Marathon Kids is that they're athletes, too. By helping kids fall in love with sport, we’re helping break the cycle of inactivity.”

This was one of the first quotes that caught my eye when I read about "Marathon Kids," through Nike. YES! Inactivity is the nemesis of this generation. Look around; screens galore (that's a different post for another day). 

The more I read, the more I was hooked…and decided, this program was my answer:

The Marathon Kids program engages kids in a positive, simple, goal-driven running program that challenges them to run the equivalent of up to four marathons (from 26.2 miles to 104.8 miles) over the course of a three-, six- or nine-month running club season or school year. 
Upon reading this, how could it all work? I didn't want to single out one student…
I teach reading, not gym. 
Would other students want to do this? 
Should I apply for the grant…(something on my teacher bucket list that I never did before)… probably won't get it because my "why" isn't captivating enough, not what they are looking for….
Will any other students care about walking a marathon, or will they think it's lame?

With a lot of late nights, and searching through other school walking/exercise programs, the following things starting falling into place: 
*Receiving the grant: Nike waived the $15 fee for all of my students so they receive all rewards for free
*Asking if the gym was available Tuesday and Thursday mornings for walking.

 *Telling my kiddos the plan- (one class applauded).. "This is awesome!"  "We get to exercise BEFORE school?" "I'm getting more miles than you!"  "Thank you."
*Figuring out to calculate the laps to miles to rewards. One lap is 0.05 miles. Students grab popsicle sticks each time they take one lap around the gym. Girls pick up sticks from one side, boys from the other. 

                                                         Handy Dandy Conversion Chart

        Students record how many laps they walked/ran in one session on the Nike log: 

    Shirt for 1 marathon; shoelaces for 2;

shoe tags for 3; bracelets for marathon 4! 

 Kids aren't required to walk of course, but guess who shows up every time it's his scheduled session. Watching him consistently walk 8 laps, and now he is up to 12, I get teary-eyed. He's doing it. He's walking. He is making the choice to move. This movement could be the start of a new life for him, and that is why I'm so grateful for this program. 

Thank you to my teammates who have been supportive since lap one.

Thank you to the runner who completed her own Runner's World running log; wanting to experience the same inspiration and accomplishment of marathon runners for having this initial idea in 1995, which propelled Nike's idea for this program. 

Thank you to Chad Mann, the representative I've been in contact with, and told me the good news of the grant. Thank you for making sure my kiddo received his size 4XL shirt, which will hopefully be big on him when he earns it. 

Thank you to the kiddo who just reached mile 8 today.

 Thank you for not giving up as other kids are lapping you, but you keep smiling and walking. 

       Thank you Nike for allowing my team to be representative in this number:

Head-On Collisions and Feather Moments

 

     We have all experienced a loss of some magnitude; relationship, job, situation, or an actual person. I don't know how without three main things: God, friends and family, and exercise, I would be able to go about each day, functioning. People turn to substances and other things to help them with their feelings of despair. It makes sense; if you feel numb, you can't feel pain. If you allow yourself to be consumed with drugs and alcohol, you can't be consumed with grief. I pray for people to not "stuff their stuff." It will resurface and turn its ugly head.
      If you have ever experienced losing someone, my heart breaks with yours. I won't say, "Give it time to get over it," because that doesn't make sense. What I would say is, "Give yourself time to get used to life without them." "There is no timeline to loss-take each day one at a time." When someone loses someone, I want to talk to them, whereas other people may avoid the topic because it's uncomfortable, or awkward. I felt this way before I lost my mom, so I understand. I know for a long time, my husband thought avoiding the topic was the best thing. "I don't want to upset you," he would say. But, I'm always thinking about her. Not talking about her makes it seem like I'm forgetting, which couldn't be farther from the truth.
     I read an article that described a man's experience with losing his wife, and having to raise his daughter by himself. He talked about "head-on collisions" and "feather moments" and it was such an interesting concept. I've always tried to find the right words to encapsulate what he described, and these are a perfect fit. "Head-on collisions" are those days you know are approaching, and well, suck, because they aren't here to celebrate with you: Christmas, your loved one's birthday, the day they passed, an anniversary, etc. The head-on collision in front of me is next week… Wednesday. All month it looms over me like a dark cloud, and then it's here. I can't avoid it, dodge it, wish it away, imagine it didn't happen. The morning of the 24th, I wake up and still get that surreal feeling. How have I gone on for the last 13 years without my mom? How will I continue? One good thing about these h.o.c. is that I know they are coming….they don't catch me off guard; not like the "feather moments". That isn't to say they aren't overwhelming and sometimes, all-consuming.  It's not any other day. Some years I don't work, other days I work. I really think every profession should allot a "mental health day" for employees. When I've taken off work in the past, and I see my list of options: personal day, sick day, professional day, none fit the reason I don't, or even can't go to work. I've thought, if I could choose "mental health" day, that's the perfect description of my absence. I am taking care of my mental health, by taking care of myself. However it seems fitting on that day to do so….
       Sitting in the White Rose last weekend, celebrating my sister's 30th, the first song we heard was "Hotel California" by the Eagles. It was faintly playing in the background once we were seated. Of all the songs that could have played, that was a reminder of her on such a special evening. Last week, driving home after work, I saw the most beautiful cardinal literally flying next to my car; feather moment. Every time, not kidding, EVERY TIME, I either order spaghetti, or open a box of spaghetti, there is one noodle that doesn't belong..to me-feather moment. The month after she passed away, in college, I was in a kindergarten classroom… preparing for the next step in the education program. This sweet, little girl pulled at my leg and asked, "Do you have a mom?" Of all the questions (and there are many from 5-year olds) she could have asked, that feather moment was perfect. "I do have a mom; she's wonderful," I replied.
     Even though I know head-on collisions will continue to pop up on my calendar, my hope for myself, and all of you, is that the heaviness your heart feels on those days, is softened by those feather moments that graciously appear as well. 

If Not Now, When?

Oh Oprah, you wise woman. I heard this quote from her last week, and it has resonated with me since…. and as cliche as it is, with the new year ringing in, it's short, sweet, and smart.…. so I ask you, "If not now, when?" What are things you have not followed through with because of time, money, fear of failure, work, busyness with schedules, kids, etc.? I also read a hashtag I loved the other day too:  #weallhave24hoursaday

I hear all the time (and maybe sometimes say)…. "I don't have time," "I was too busy," "I couldn't fit in in the schedule."  I understand all of these, BUT #weallhave24hoursaday  

How do some people have time to do certain things, and others don't? You make time for what you value, and what's important to you, and other stuff gets pushed to the side, and maybe you'll "get to it." 

If you had to make a top ten list of 2016, goals, resolutions, ways you could grow, ways to be a better person, what would your list look like? Those that fail to plan, plan to fail… how are you planning not to fail in 2016-what will you do differently? 

The new year is exciting because it is a fresh start. 2015 for some was an amazing year with new babies, jobs, houses, promotions, weddings… but for others, it was, to quote an article I just read, "The Year I Fell." I had a year like that before…well, more than one. Those are tough. January 1st after those years I fell, couldn't come fast enough. So maybe tomorrow can't come fast enough for you because your year wasn't great. But guess what? This year can be. Some of my 2016 (or life) wants/goals/hopes are as follows, what's on your list? 

*Go on a missions trip
*Blog weekly
*Budget ;)
*Use coupons
*Run a 6:00 mile
*Be a surrogate for someone (def. not this year but some time)
*Watch a TV series with my husband
*Go to DIsney 
*Adopt a dog
*Make a scrapbook
*Cut out all processed foods
*Write a book
*Win money for placing in a race
*Write another book
*Create makeup tutorials
*Lead another life group at church
*Counsel grieving children

Sometimes if things are written down, there is more accountability to them. If you've never had a steady exercise regimen, and you say, "I'm going to start exercising," that's great, but what's your plan? Do you have a gym in mind? Are you someone who does well working out at home? Do you have an accountability partner with diet and exercise? Think through your goal-where you will struggle, and who can help you be successful.

So, I hope when you ask yourself, "If not now, when?" the answer is THIS YEAR. Make this the year you were the BEST you possible. :)

What is Your Fitness Story?

      I find it interesting how people live in terms of working out, eating, etc. Some people I know eat fast food multiple times a week because it's convenient. They didn't know what the "baby food looking stuff" was at the party last year, (hummus), and have never tried almond milk…. wait, nuts in milk? They repeat how they need to make a change, feel tired and depleted, but don't know how to start working out or making changes that will positively impact their bodies. They know fast food isn't the best choice, but it tastes good, and it's part of their routine. Other people I know are vegetarians, and have been for years. They have their own reasons for this lifestyle, and say they feel better overall, without consuming meat. 
     I remember singing a song in fifth grade called, "Knowledge is Power" on stage for a program. How true that is…sometimes the more I read, the more I want to change. However, it's not realistic for me to buy every single thing on my grocery list at Whole Foods, or to purchase organic everything. I want to be informed, but not neurotic with labels, food blogs, exercise regimens and so on. There are so many fads and diets that look so appealing, but with these quick fixes, comes negative health effects and other risks.

     I think back to what a typical meal day was for me in high school: 
Breakfast:  Two bowls of Cocoa Pebbles and a glass of O.J. #delicious 
Lunch:        A sandwich baggie full of Smart Start, an apple, and raspberry tea
Dinner:       An enormous plate (or two) of whatever my mom or dad cooked
There were no snacks, not a lot of water consumption, and minimal protein, besides dinner. 

A typical meal day for me now is: 
Breakfast:  A smoothie with almond milk, protein, spinach, banana, cocoa powder, and peanut butter
Snack:       Almonds 
Lunch:      Some sort of salad, fruit, and a piece of Ezekiel bread
Snack:      Hummus and crackers or vegetables
Dinner:     Chicken, vegetables, and some sort of rice or potato
Dessert:    Ice cream or graham crackers with Nutella…yummo! :)

Do I eat like that every day… no… but if I actually have food in my fridge and pantry, that's what I'm eating. What a change from a decade ago.

      This last year has been a very humbling experience in the physical sense. I wanted to take a picture of my stomach as soon as I could after delivering Jonah to show people that mommy's tummies don't just snap back in place the minute the baby is birthed. I also wanted to take a photo timeline to show that with consistency, having an 80/20 mentality with food, (80% of the time eating well, 20% indulging), you CAN see results with time. I want to encourage people out there, women especially, you can do it. Do I think I look great in a bathing suit, no…. do I look better than I did September 2nd, I would say yes.
     Breastfeeding is a great way to kickstart weight loss post baby (along with so many other advantages for you and baby), but you really need to make eating healthy and exercise a lifestyle. Some nights that meant at 9:30 I was going for a run after a long and draining day. Other days, that meant during nap time when I wanted to sleep, I would force myself to workout downstairs. Some weeks when I knew working out wouldn't happen as often as I'd like, I would really watch my eating. That doesn't mean I wouldn't eat, I would just be mindful of how many times I put my hand in the pretzel bag as I made dinner, or I wouldn't have as much ice cream that week. (Ice cream is my downfall).

 Here is a timeline of two days before I delivered Jonah, to today….

August 30th




September 2nd- one day after delivery- #coneheadbelly

                                                                         October 6th 

                                                                       October 27th

                                                                      November 15th

                                                                             Today

I guess from November 15th to today, I didn't have time to take stomach bathroom selfies, but you get the idea. Being a mom doesn't mean death to your body… your fit self is in there, you just have to work harder for it to emerge! My Jonah pooch didn't disappear overnight, and it's still not 100% gone, but I wanted to feel comfortable in a bathing suit this summer. That was the goal I set for myself last summer as I waddled and waded in pools. I think I met this goal, and I also think you can set a goal and reach it. Here's to a healthy lifestyle!

I Know You're In There…..

I've heard of Alzheimer's, dementia, memory loss…. but like many things, until these words become your reality, they are just words. I've had friends experience this with their grandparents, but I couldn't relate at the time.

When these words happen to someone close to you, and you read things like, "not reversible," incurable," and "degenerative"…. it becomes a different story, because someone close to you is becoming a different person. 

This is a letter I would want to give to my Grandma….

Dear Grandma, 
At times, I know there is clarity, and that's when the tears start. Yours on the outside, mine on the inside. Your words stop as quickly as they start because they don't make sense. I try to guess what you are trying to say, but your frustration stops me. I try to make the conversation light when I see you, because I feel guilty. I can drive, walk, punch in the code to the elevators in your building….. to leave. So many things you can't do. Behind every laugh and comment I make to you is a wanting… a wanting for the old Grandma to come back, just for a minute. 

You had nail polish on yesterday. Bright, coral, summery polish. In your 93 years of life, I've never seen a picture, or in person, painted nails. It made me feel sad to see your nails painted because, I'm sure someone asked you, and you nodded, but you didn't know what they were going to do. Maybe you look at your nails now and are sad because you don't know how to take the polish off. In the memory care unit, there aren't cotton balls you can use. They don't even have tissues out in fear of patients eating them, or real silverware for meals. Maybe I should look at your nails and be happy someone took the time to paint them, and make you feel good. To me they are a reminder of one more decision made for you, and at one time, you were so strong willed you made all of your own decisions. 

When I walked into your room yesterday and you weren't there, but a man who had stripped down to only his underwear was lying there, I wish I could have told you how funny that was, and you could have made some hilarious comment about the situation. But the truth is, he thought it was his room, so it really wasn't funny.

Despite all of that…..

I know you're in there Grandma. When I'm talking to you, it's as though you are another person, but I know you hear me. I know a piece of you has to remember. Behind those sad, brown eyes, that stare ahead, I know you see me. I see the corners of your mouth turn upward every time I say, "I'm Natalie, don't forget Grandma," while I squeeze your hand. 

I see you use your hand in a "shooing" away motion to other residents when you've had enough of them talking to me, or you say "goodbye" when someone is irritating you. I know you're in there. 

I see you calling after the man with the white hair and flannel pants, "Sam, Sam, get over here," because that's what you used to say to Grandpa.

I know you're in there Grandma, and that's what keeps me coming back. 

I love you,
Natalie

Perspective

I've always thought optical illusion pictures were very interesting. 

Take this one for example:

Every time I've seen this picture, I notice the girl looking away from the camera with a babushka type garment on her head. But, other people see the older woman with her face down in her coat. What do you see first? 

The other day, I stumbled across this cover from a Disney classic….  and what was either a coincidence, or a sneaky cartoonist behind the scenes.

Who knew for so many years as I stared into Mufasa's face, I was possibly staring into some stranger's butt cheeks? What you see depends on how you look at something, or someone, in this example.

I've been thinking about perspective with being a mom, and a woman, and just in general. How I see something, or someone may be completely different than another person. What I think is right, may not be in someone's eyes. I may use completely different styles to parent, organize, clean, prioritize, etc. It doesn't make one right and one wrong, it just is.

I used to think that one of the biggest parenting mistakes I've made (to date) has been to lay with Samuel every night at bedtime. When this first started I dreaded bedtime. "Here it is again," I thought, "another long night where I don't get to do what I want in the evening because of this long process." Bedtime should be "me" time. I've given my all to this kid all day, he should just go to bed, that's it.

But, I changed my perspective….

This parenting "fail" started the first night he had to sleep in his big boy bunk bed. The crib was no longer an option because it was disassembled on the floor when we moved a few summers ago. "I'm scared, please lay with me," he said. How can you say no to that little voice? Josh and I took turns the first week or so, who would comfort Samuel in this new bunk bed to make him feel okay. This wasn't five minutes of comforting. This was anywhere from five minutes to over an hour, depending on how long it took him to fall asleep. It felt like a waste of an evening. It felt like we were losing/had lost a part of parenting, and the same loss would come again….the following night.

We both felt frustration and torn that we were doing something right to comfort our little boy, but wrong because we were giving in, not being firm with bedtime. So for the past, um, 2 years, every nap, every night, this is the routine. Two books, prayers, bed, MacGyver style moves getting up without waking Samuel. This is especially hard while nursing. This is even harder when you are getting out of the top bunk and nursing, while trying not to wake your toddler, or baby. I feel like I can take on the world after I close his door and both kids are sleeping, even if one is hanging off my boob.

We've accepted that this is our bedtime routine. Some may disagree, some agree. Some parents let their kids in bed with them, some close their kid's door at night, and that's that. I'm not judging what anyone chooses to do. This works for us. If you asked me a few years ago, I'd probably sigh and describe bedtime as a "nightmare" and "not fair," but it's actually okay now.

I knew my perspective had to change. Even though I'm a SuperNanny fan, I don't have it in me to do a Ferber-ish method of going in his room at spaced out time intervals, until eventually he gives in and sleeps. I'm sure if we did that for a week, this routine would change, and he wouldn't "need" us to comfort him to go to sleep. I don't judge anyone who uses this method or is a stickler on bedtime. To each their own, to each perspective to be changed, your call.

What helped me change my thinking was…..

Anytime I needed my mom to lay with me if I was scared, she did.

This won't last forever.

It's nice to recap the day and talk about our favorite things from the day. 

The conversations and comments he makes to extend the night even more, are hilarious, even when I'm exhausted. 

Before, I felt by admitting this is our routine at night, we "gave in" at bedtime, I was admitting I failed in (one aspect of) the parenting world. I'm okay to mess certain things up, but with kids, this is one thing I want to get as right as I can.

But, I'm finding that everyone sees things a little differently, and shares their own perspective. What are your thoughts on how you used to see something one way, and now you've changed?

Wonder what he would say?

Multiplying Love

"Your heart just grows; doubles in size," people told me before I was a mom of two. How is this even possible? Skepticism took over and this piece of mom advice was not well received. After settling into the world of more than one kid, I was prepared to feel bad that I loved one kid more. You have to love one a little bit more. I mean your heart can't split the love you have for your first, so it's equal; it just doesn't work that way. People who tell you the love is equal just love one kid more and can't admit it.

I don't like being wrong, but I will admit when I am… Your heart does grow. I have so much love for these two little ones, it's amazing. One of my favorite times of the day is when the house is silent at night. Of course I love this time because it's peaceful and I can have some "me" time, but I love to think about the day I shared with these little ones. The tears, laughs, comments, moments, memories, that made our day what it was. Before this though, even better, is checking on these two and praying over them. Praying that they will fulfill the purpose God has for them. Praying that sickness and disease will not affect their bodies. Recapping the day as I stare at their little sleeping bodies… the moments of what the day brought; good and bad.

Looking at Jonah and wondering how he could be so pleasant all day without sleeping for more than 10 minutes at a time. Thinking back to when Samuel accidentally hit him with the end of the broom as we were sweeping the garage and how his one minute of wailing seemed to never end.

Looking at Samuel and remembering when he offered me his last bagel chip from his Chex Mix snack bag. Thinking to the tears when he hit Jonah with the broom. "I was just trying to help."

This is what is important. These little faces. Being a mom is such a journey, and I'm so grateful these two are my passengers. #momlife #bestlife

Pumping Sucks

Since most of the last few months have revolved around boobs, I want to keep it going with this post. While juggling everything and everyone on my plate, I also juggle a little one on my boobs. I am a food source to little baby Jonah, and hope to be for the next few months, #milkwilling. It fascinates me to look at my baby boy and think my body can create the nutrients he needs to sustain life. As beneficial and amazing as nursing is, Tina Fey said it best with, "Pumping sucks."

Carrying "Patty the Pump" with me every day has been a routine since going back after maternity leave. Assessing all of my work stuff, it's always, "Patty, work bag, lunch, and water." Patty is my passenger to and from work, and her favorite color is black. After work it's a race against time as she has to be chilled from her 98.6 degree temp. I feel like I'm carrying a heart or other organ in a cooler as I race home to pop em' bottles  pop the bottles, I mean… in the fridge.

Pumping, boobs, and E-cards…what do they all have in common? Well, the start to a pretty awkward conversation/relationship with my boss this year.

Flashback to Christmas time… I'm trying to find the usual Office calendar I buy my dad every year. The past two years have been a collaboration of "funniest" lines from the show. I guess they had to stop production some time, since there are no new episodes, and 2015 was the year. E-cards on social media are pretty funny. Appropriate enough for a dad gift, but inappropriate enough to replace the Office calendar and be comical.

So.. having a new boss this year, and with his reference of loving "The Office" and "Seinfeld", I also thought this was a good choice for a "Welcome to our Building" "Merry Christmas from sweet little old me" gift.

I called my dad after the new year to chat, January 3rd actually. "The calendar you bought me is a little risqué, you know."  #dropthephone   I just about fainted as my dad read the sweet little message on the calendar:

Not only is my dad reading this over the phone, #awkward but my BOSS is reading this on January 3rd, thinking I'm some weirdo for buying him this weird calendar gift #uberawkward


So, it is now after Christmas break and we are back at work. Every morning when I wake up, I think, oh no, what does the calendar read today?  Well, another January beauty was:

I knew I had to say something, ANYTHING, to address this horrible gift I bought. Here I am, trying to be nice, and it totally backfired, and on the back burner is the thought of my dad reading these too… #ugh

I saw boss in the hall one day and he screamed, "Natalie!"  Oh geez, here it is, my time to apologize.
He was very discrete and said, "The room upstairs is available to use if you need." AKA, we just had a one second convo about my pumping room…aka…boobs. Why did he remember to tell me this? #ecardcalendar

A week later I saw him again, bit the bullet and said super awkwardly, "Yah, so this may feel like an Office moment, the conversation that is about to ensue, (insert awkward silence, laughter, probably a boob sound)." Then I went on to explain the calendar I usually get my dad, and how he told me some of the jokes and I feel so bad and maybe to just throw it away (insert more awkwardness).
"That's okay, my wife and I just put it in our bedroom, away from the kids."
#amioncamera

A month later, I was in his office talking about a workshop (missing my pumping time) and after leaving his office (and talking about Jonah with him), I thought the water bottle I was holding had leaked on the bottom of my shirt. Upon looking down, I looked something like this:

                         Except it was both boobs, and running the whole way down my shirt.

Lessons learned:    Choose boss gifts more carefully, wear pads because you WILL leak, and keep nursing…it's totes worth it. :)

I'm Sorry If…That Was Me….

Love these little sweethearts!

As 32 is fast approaching (yikes), I appreciate the life experiences and people who have helped me along the way. I watch Samuel observe people and take in situations, and conversations. I hope I'm a little more subtle without the gawking and jaw dropping antics he displays. This post has been on my heart for awhile, and I am so thankful for situations I've worked through, God's grace, and the people who are in my life.

This post is for people who I have watched go through trials and tribulations, only to find years later, that many of these situations would be me.

I'm sorry if  as I saw you running, I mumbled something less than kind under my breath. Scoffing at your pace and how painful it looked for you to put one foot in front of the other. Thinking, ugh I hope I never run that slow…..

That was me….. after I had Samuel, after I had Jonah. Clumsily trying to regain my footing as a runner, post-baby. One step felt like one hundred. Five minutes felt like fifty. Hurting knees, joints, feet, chest, ego. Something I once loved, became a daunting task.

"Keep going; it will get easier."

I'm sorry if I downplayed the loss you experienced. If I turned the conversation on me as you were spilling a rawness you probably didn't even know existed until that moment someone so important to you, was gone.

That was me… nineteen and without a mom. When my whole body felt like it was drying up because I had cried out every tear in my body.

"It will get easier. Pray, rest, pray, rest. That person is always with you. It's not something you 'get over' it's something you learn to live with."

I'm sorry if you said you were going through a rough time in your marriage and I wasn't a listening ear, but said something to dismiss it.

That was me…. ring off, decision made, door closed. When the foundation of my world came crashing down. When I saw long hours at work as missed time and in me brewed a level of resentment I didn't know existed. Instead of being thankful for a hard-working and providing husband; I was done.

"Divorce is not an option." "What God has brought together, let no man separate."

I'm sorry if you said you didn't breastfeed and my reaction was anything other than supportive.

I read an article about postpartum psychosis which gave me a totally different perspective about women post-baby. Another girl I spoke with said shortly after giving birth to her son, her dad passed away and she was so stressed, she physically couldn't nurse. Who am I to form an opinion about you based on your decision to nourish your child? 

I'm sorry if I saw you at a restaurant or store with your child and he/she was crying, screaming, whining, fighting, running, (and so many other things).  I rolled my eyes, or didn't get the door, smile at you, make that moment a little easier….

You learn through your mistakes, experiences, and people. 

Thank God for forgiveness. 

"Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle." -Plato 

Mommies, friends, wives, sisters. If you are going through a tough time, keep pushing through. 

A peak is on the other side of your valley.

Surviving Preschool

    So today was the last party for Samuel's first year of preschool. Just a few more weeks and he will be a 3-year old grad! #pompandcircumstance. 
I wish I had a handbook to guide me through this first year as there were a few hiccups along the way. 
Here is what I learned what to do/not to do. #ifpreschoolwashardformewhatwillkindergartenbring

This was literally me at so many points this year… but instead of it saying "LSAT"
on the cover it said, "Preschool for Dummies"

DO:

*Be a nicey to all the preschool moms. Even when one of them interrogates you about your selected craft and you want to scream, "I'M A TEACHER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, I can handle this." Because she may just compliment you and tell you how impressed she is once she sees the kids in action. 

*Buy school pictures! I almost missed out on this gem: 

Me:  "Samuel, how were pictures today?"
Samuel:  "Good, but I think I smiled funny."

*Ask your child about their new friends and the songs they sing. From August-January we only talked about snack, but finally I started to get some info. :)

*Tell your child how proud of them you are with their report card:

#whatitsallabout

*Buy a ridiculously overpriced book bag for your youngin, because clearly that is indicative of what kind of year it will be.

I know, I know, it has his name on it and that's a no no.

DON'T:

*Assume your child will be okay if you just "pop-in" on a given day for a story, then head back to work. You will have a screaming tot and a broken heart.


*Freak out if and when your child freaks out as you spent all hours of the night preparing, buying, making things for the next day's party. I've seen tears, hair pulling, and screaming  (yes, all my sweet boy).


*Freak out if your craft, snack, etc. isn't Pinterest worthy. Pinterest is a farse where time doesn't exist. Cut yourself a break. :)

*Throw away all fundraising information that doesn't seem appealing. You may just throw away lottery raffle tickets, that may just cost $25.00 each. So you may be eating the $50. Just saying.

*Panic when the preschool teacher starts recounting stories your child tells while at school. "My mommy pumps her milk in a locker at her work for my baby brother to drink."  #pumpingprobs  #traumatizingmytoddler   C'mon Samuel, it's not a locker, it's a storage closet son! 

*Show up on days when preschool is cancelled (I may have done this once or twice).

The Day My Life Stopped-and Restarted

One of my favorite pictures of my mom and I 

Sweet child

I miss you Mom. There are so many things you have missed. Last night, when Jonah tried sweet potatoes for the first time, I wanted to call you. Last Monday, when, I was struggling (horribly) with the whole working mom thing…and I needed advice, your advice, … I needed  you. Tomorrow marks twelve years. Twelve long years, without you. Within those years, there has been much celebration, joy, blessings, abundance, but then its coupled with loss. I've tried to fill that void with so many things. It doesn't get easier, you don't get over it, you don't move on, you just learn how to live without that person. 

So as I sit here dreading every February, every February 24th, I think about how many other people- working, living, existing, near me, have their own day. (I always hope that on February 23rd, a camera crew, my mom, and all kinds of other people will come to me like a Truman Show moment, telling me how I've basically been taped all this time; that it hasn't been real).  A haunting, troubling, sad, life-changing day. I think about this as I see people lose patience in the store with a cashier, people who are so angry, you can practically see it pouring out of them. I have wanted to take their hand, pray, and say, "You will be okay. I'm sad too. I'm angry, hurt, discouraged, but despite the loss, and all those feelings, I'm okay. My life stopped, but it's started again."

At times I feel like everyone forgets about this day and what significance it has… How can people keep living the day my life stopped? This question affected me and really bothered me for awhile. 

But guess what? Everyone has their own stuff. Some people can lug their baggage around in a carry on, and others could have an entourage of people behind them pulling their suitcases. That's life. People I know have lost parents at a younger age than me. Friends have miscarried and haven't experienced that sweet baby. Close family and friends have divorced. Life happens. 

Somehow, on February 25th, 2003, I managed to get out of bed. The day after my world came crashing down, God gave me strength to keep living.  Every February since that horrible day, God has helped me find strength (sometimes in the depth of my soul) to keep going. My life stopped, but then it restarted. 

I really want to think that at least 350-ish days, I handle this loss well. I don't want people to look at me and know what I've gone through based on me seeming depressed or sad. That doesn't mean I won't share how I'm feeling, and how heart broken I still feel at times, BUT I don't want this to define me. 

I want Samuel and Jonah and hopefully many more babies to be happy and filled up, instead of around a depressed, moping mom…how fun and fair would that be for them?

So tomorrow I will do what I know to cope-pray,exercise, talk to my dad, hug my babies and Josh extra tight. I will let myself be sad, mad, angry, grateful, nostalgic, and teary. I remember my mom and all that she was, all the memories I still treasure, and always will. 

#thestruggleisreal

     It's hard to believe I've been a mom of two for four months. What a crazy ride it has been so far. There are times when I'm in Giant Eagle, and I stop and think, "I'm doing it, I can't believe I'm doing it." What I mean by "doing" is that both kids are content, I still have a little room between a baby and toddler to squeeze some groceries, I have a list and it's in my hand, and I actually know where my debit card is located. #crapwhereismyadvantagecard 
     If you asked me in the summer if this would be possible pre-Jonah, I would have laughed. Also, the fact I can nurse Jonah and prepare Samuel dinner at the same time brings new meaning to "multi-tasking"... I'm able to feed Jonah in the middle of the night, throw together an overnight casserole, pump, then go back to sleep until the next feeding, and somehow function the next day with the interrupted/deprived sleep state I'm finding myself in these days really is something. #nottotootmyownhorn 
     I feel blessed to have the opportunity to have done the stay-at-home-mom thing for an extended maternity leave, and now the time is here to squeeze into pants without an elastic waist(insert sad emoji) and put on my working mom hat. There is so much debate and discussion about what's easier? When Jonah cried literally day and night for the first 8 weeks, what I wouldn't give at times to be away, and back in the classroom, with adult interaction.. anywhere from a 24/7 fussy child. But now that he is content and giggling, Samuel attached to my leg in the morning, what I wouldn't give to crawl back into bed with my babies and talk about what adventures we will do that day as a family. It's all tough on different days and for different reasons. 
      My two biggest struggles with working + mom are: the working out thang, and knowing the conversations and random stuff I miss while I'm working b/c having a toddler is a blast. #onmostdays

Working out these days looks like this…..

Well, actually, like this: 

When I ask Samuel if I can borrow one of his weights, he says no, he's busy exercising. So, I do push-ups or something else until he is onto the next thing. Then Jonah wakes up from his cat nap, and my work out is at a halt for the moment. 

I've made some progress from this. It would be an adorable picture if Jonah was still in my belly. This is what a fresh after-belly baby looks like… Hoping the headband distracts a little from the cone shaped weirdness of my stomach. 

As long as I keep feeling stronger mentally and physically each month from working out; I'm satisfied. If I get discouraged, I refer to this picture and say, well, at least I'm making progress. I will not enter a race until I think I can be competitive but it helps me set a goal, so I'm hoping this spring I feel ready for a 5K time I can be proud of. 

The second thing that makes me sad, is that I would've missed out on this little guy:

     Samuel found this ghost in his stroller and was so excited to carry it around with him all day. He got it from a Halloween treat bag, and couldn't be happier to be reunited with "Ghost". #theoriginalityisastounding ….So we went to BabiesRUs to buy organic baby food for Jonah b/c I didn't see any at Giant Eagle, so I couldn't scratch it off my list. Jonah had to eat, and we were making our way to the nursing mother's room. On our way, I allowed Samuel to choose 2 books I could read to him while I was feeding Jonah. He chose a princess book #naturally and a Toy Story book. As we settled onto the couch in the room, there was another mother feeding her baby across from us. A few pages into Snow White, and a few questions about the lady directly across from us #awkward, Samuel realized "Ghost" was nowhere to be found. To set the scene more accurately… we had been at the mall since 11 that morning, had not napped, etc. I knew that "Ghost" missing in this moment was more catastrophic than a typical day. So I had to unlatch Jonah, and retrace our steps out the door. We did not find "Ghost" and Jonah still had to eat on the other side #nursingmomprobs 

     As we sat back on the couch, Samuel was okay if we read another princess story, and I promised we would walk through the entire store and ask the workers until we found him. As we left the room, I prayed… PLEASE Lord, let us find Ghost for Samuel. A short and sweet prayer for my little boy. We went back to where we grabbed the two books and we found the little guy just laying in the middle of the aisle. #godanswersevensmallprayerspeople 

     This is just one example of so many lessons I could teach Samuel from this BabiesRUs trip… be responsible with things, God is good, pray in all circumstances, and about asking appropriate questions not in front of the person lol. #allinadayswork    #blessed

Hands Free Mama

Okay so do I mean this type of "Hands Free"? ….not exactly. 

Here is the cover of an amazing book I read this summer...

I want to be the best mom I can be, so this book seemed to be a relevant/interesting read based on the cover, and could possibly give me some tips for this journey called motherhood. One of the first pages had this pledge….

I initially thought this book was all about getting rid of devices, but it was so much more. Many things jumped out to me... had me crying, thinking, taking notes, rereading. It just made sense. The premise of the book is all about being "present" which I'm finding in today's world is becoming a problem. I want to be present for my kids, my family, my friends. 

"If you constantly feel your attention being averted from what really matters to the insignificant and meaningless details of your life, then you might be familiar with The Disease of Distraction."

Hmm.. interesting…

Here are some highlights and how I am totes guilts of what this book was all about:

*One story Rachel (the author) told, was how her daughters REALLY wanted to go swimming on Mother's Day. This was not her idea of how this day would pan out, and after all, FINALLY, a day where a mom can be selfish and do things she wants to do without feeling guilty about putting her needs first. Rachel described how she didn't really enjoy swimming, and if and when she did go, she hated getting her hair wet. I totally agree. The many times I took Samuel in our pool this summer, I didn't go under. Ugh, chlorine hair + sun = nightmare. One day this summer I had a sitter come to the house, and she got her hair wet. This was the first thing Samuel told me when I came home. "We went swimming, and we BOTH went under!" Guilt surged through my body. This small thing that I repeatedly avoided, was his highlight while I was away.

We spend a lot of time under water in the pool now. :) I just go to bed with pool head! I mean the belly laughs I get from Samuel when I go under and "George Washington" my hair are worth every split end that results from our pool day. 

"Being spontaneous and playful created a tangible connection to my children that simply observing them did not." 

I am totally guilty of this one… "watching" Samuel play with his monster trucks, train set, Play-Doh, kitchen, you name it… and not "engaging" in the play… because I'm.. making dinner, picking up, trying to fold five towels real quick, cleaning up a spill, answering a text, you name it. Rachel talked about a time it was raining and she allowed her kids to play in the rain, and she joined them. Wow. What a memory she created for her kids.

So last week, as I'm four weeks out from having a baby… Jonah is sleeping, FINALLY (that's a whole other blog post) in his swing for a few hours. 4-7:30 P.M. to be exact. It was one of those beautiful fall days we've been having. Samuel wanted to play in his sprinkler. Translation…ugh, I have to dig it out of the toy bin, hook it up to the hose, it's going to fall over 25 times. Sounds awful. Then I thought..what if I play with him?  Um, because Jonah is sleeping, I just had a baby, my uterus will fall out, should I keep going? But I thought, I could create a memory for Samuel. We could tell dad how we BOTH played in the sprinkler today; doing our best Spiderman jumps over the water. 

Yes we both got wet, grass was all over our feet, which we tracked in the house, but it was a fun time. #uterusdidnotfallout

He still talks about that "silly" day. 

"XO before you go"

There have been many mornings, and I'm sure there will continue to be…

"Josh do you have money to pay the sitter? What do you want for dinner? Did Samuel pee in his pull-up last night?" Literally a 20-minute conversation smashed into two minutes, as we are both walking out the door. How many times do I blow kisses to my husband and baby, shout, "I love you; have a good day," and fly out the door? This whole "XO before you go" is sweet. Make the time to give a sufficient hug and kiss before you go. Maybe that means waking up five minutes earlier, or not putting on as much makeup, or something. I know typing this sounds easier than in the moment, but I really like the idea. I never want my family to feel as though I'm too rushed or busy to show them affection. #heartbreaking

The last quote from the book I love is: 

"Choosing connection over distraction offers you a chance to nuture your most sacred relationships-now and in the future. I cannot think of a better use of your precious time, can you?