I'm Sorry If…That Was Me….

Love these little sweethearts!

As 32 is fast approaching (yikes), I appreciate the life experiences and people who have helped me along the way. I watch Samuel observe people and take in situations, and conversations. I hope I'm a little more subtle without the gawking and jaw dropping antics he displays. This post has been on my heart for awhile, and I am so thankful for situations I've worked through, God's grace, and the people who are in my life.

This post is for people who I have watched go through trials and tribulations, only to find years later, that many of these situations would be me.

I'm sorry if  as I saw you running, I mumbled something less than kind under my breath. Scoffing at your pace and how painful it looked for you to put one foot in front of the other. Thinking, ugh I hope I never run that slow…..

That was me….. after I had Samuel, after I had Jonah. Clumsily trying to regain my footing as a runner, post-baby. One step felt like one hundred. Five minutes felt like fifty. Hurting knees, joints, feet, chest, ego. Something I once loved, became a daunting task.

"Keep going; it will get easier."

I'm sorry if I downplayed the loss you experienced. If I turned the conversation on me as you were spilling a rawness you probably didn't even know existed until that moment someone so important to you, was gone.

That was me… nineteen and without a mom. When my whole body felt like it was drying up because I had cried out every tear in my body.

"It will get easier. Pray, rest, pray, rest. That person is always with you. It's not something you 'get over' it's something you learn to live with."

I'm sorry if you said you were going through a rough time in your marriage and I wasn't a listening ear, but said something to dismiss it.

That was me…. ring off, decision made, door closed. When the foundation of my world came crashing down. When I saw long hours at work as missed time and in me brewed a level of resentment I didn't know existed. Instead of being thankful for a hard-working and providing husband; I was done.

"Divorce is not an option." "What God has brought together, let no man separate."

I'm sorry if you said you didn't breastfeed and my reaction was anything other than supportive.

I read an article about postpartum psychosis which gave me a totally different perspective about women post-baby. Another girl I spoke with said shortly after giving birth to her son, her dad passed away and she was so stressed, she physically couldn't nurse. Who am I to form an opinion about you based on your decision to nourish your child? 

I'm sorry if I saw you at a restaurant or store with your child and he/she was crying, screaming, whining, fighting, running, (and so many other things).  I rolled my eyes, or didn't get the door, smile at you, make that moment a little easier….

You learn through your mistakes, experiences, and people. 

Thank God for forgiveness. 

"Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle." -Plato 

Mommies, friends, wives, sisters. If you are going through a tough time, keep pushing through. 

A peak is on the other side of your valley.

#thestruggleisreal

     It's hard to believe I've been a mom of two for four months. What a crazy ride it has been so far. There are times when I'm in Giant Eagle, and I stop and think, "I'm doing it, I can't believe I'm doing it." What I mean by "doing" is that both kids are content, I still have a little room between a baby and toddler to squeeze some groceries, I have a list and it's in my hand, and I actually know where my debit card is located. #crapwhereismyadvantagecard 
     If you asked me in the summer if this would be possible pre-Jonah, I would have laughed. Also, the fact I can nurse Jonah and prepare Samuel dinner at the same time brings new meaning to "multi-tasking"... I'm able to feed Jonah in the middle of the night, throw together an overnight casserole, pump, then go back to sleep until the next feeding, and somehow function the next day with the interrupted/deprived sleep state I'm finding myself in these days really is something. #nottotootmyownhorn 
     I feel blessed to have the opportunity to have done the stay-at-home-mom thing for an extended maternity leave, and now the time is here to squeeze into pants without an elastic waist(insert sad emoji) and put on my working mom hat. There is so much debate and discussion about what's easier? When Jonah cried literally day and night for the first 8 weeks, what I wouldn't give at times to be away, and back in the classroom, with adult interaction.. anywhere from a 24/7 fussy child. But now that he is content and giggling, Samuel attached to my leg in the morning, what I wouldn't give to crawl back into bed with my babies and talk about what adventures we will do that day as a family. It's all tough on different days and for different reasons. 
      My two biggest struggles with working + mom are: the working out thang, and knowing the conversations and random stuff I miss while I'm working b/c having a toddler is a blast. #onmostdays

Working out these days looks like this…..

Well, actually, like this: 

When I ask Samuel if I can borrow one of his weights, he says no, he's busy exercising. So, I do push-ups or something else until he is onto the next thing. Then Jonah wakes up from his cat nap, and my work out is at a halt for the moment. 

I've made some progress from this. It would be an adorable picture if Jonah was still in my belly. This is what a fresh after-belly baby looks like… Hoping the headband distracts a little from the cone shaped weirdness of my stomach. 

As long as I keep feeling stronger mentally and physically each month from working out; I'm satisfied. If I get discouraged, I refer to this picture and say, well, at least I'm making progress. I will not enter a race until I think I can be competitive but it helps me set a goal, so I'm hoping this spring I feel ready for a 5K time I can be proud of. 

The second thing that makes me sad, is that I would've missed out on this little guy:

     Samuel found this ghost in his stroller and was so excited to carry it around with him all day. He got it from a Halloween treat bag, and couldn't be happier to be reunited with "Ghost". #theoriginalityisastounding ….So we went to BabiesRUs to buy organic baby food for Jonah b/c I didn't see any at Giant Eagle, so I couldn't scratch it off my list. Jonah had to eat, and we were making our way to the nursing mother's room. On our way, I allowed Samuel to choose 2 books I could read to him while I was feeding Jonah. He chose a princess book #naturally and a Toy Story book. As we settled onto the couch in the room, there was another mother feeding her baby across from us. A few pages into Snow White, and a few questions about the lady directly across from us #awkward, Samuel realized "Ghost" was nowhere to be found. To set the scene more accurately… we had been at the mall since 11 that morning, had not napped, etc. I knew that "Ghost" missing in this moment was more catastrophic than a typical day. So I had to unlatch Jonah, and retrace our steps out the door. We did not find "Ghost" and Jonah still had to eat on the other side #nursingmomprobs 

     As we sat back on the couch, Samuel was okay if we read another princess story, and I promised we would walk through the entire store and ask the workers until we found him. As we left the room, I prayed… PLEASE Lord, let us find Ghost for Samuel. A short and sweet prayer for my little boy. We went back to where we grabbed the two books and we found the little guy just laying in the middle of the aisle. #godanswersevensmallprayerspeople 

     This is just one example of so many lessons I could teach Samuel from this BabiesRUs trip… be responsible with things, God is good, pray in all circumstances, and about asking appropriate questions not in front of the person lol. #allinadayswork    #blessed