Head-On Collisions and Feather Moments

 

     We have all experienced a loss of some magnitude; relationship, job, situation, or an actual person. I don't know how without three main things: God, friends and family, and exercise, I would be able to go about each day, functioning. People turn to substances and other things to help them with their feelings of despair. It makes sense; if you feel numb, you can't feel pain. If you allow yourself to be consumed with drugs and alcohol, you can't be consumed with grief. I pray for people to not "stuff their stuff." It will resurface and turn its ugly head.
      If you have ever experienced losing someone, my heart breaks with yours. I won't say, "Give it time to get over it," because that doesn't make sense. What I would say is, "Give yourself time to get used to life without them." "There is no timeline to loss-take each day one at a time." When someone loses someone, I want to talk to them, whereas other people may avoid the topic because it's uncomfortable, or awkward. I felt this way before I lost my mom, so I understand. I know for a long time, my husband thought avoiding the topic was the best thing. "I don't want to upset you," he would say. But, I'm always thinking about her. Not talking about her makes it seem like I'm forgetting, which couldn't be farther from the truth.
     I read an article that described a man's experience with losing his wife, and having to raise his daughter by himself. He talked about "head-on collisions" and "feather moments" and it was such an interesting concept. I've always tried to find the right words to encapsulate what he described, and these are a perfect fit. "Head-on collisions" are those days you know are approaching, and well, suck, because they aren't here to celebrate with you: Christmas, your loved one's birthday, the day they passed, an anniversary, etc. The head-on collision in front of me is next week… Wednesday. All month it looms over me like a dark cloud, and then it's here. I can't avoid it, dodge it, wish it away, imagine it didn't happen. The morning of the 24th, I wake up and still get that surreal feeling. How have I gone on for the last 13 years without my mom? How will I continue? One good thing about these h.o.c. is that I know they are coming….they don't catch me off guard; not like the "feather moments". That isn't to say they aren't overwhelming and sometimes, all-consuming.  It's not any other day. Some years I don't work, other days I work. I really think every profession should allot a "mental health day" for employees. When I've taken off work in the past, and I see my list of options: personal day, sick day, professional day, none fit the reason I don't, or even can't go to work. I've thought, if I could choose "mental health" day, that's the perfect description of my absence. I am taking care of my mental health, by taking care of myself. However it seems fitting on that day to do so….
       Sitting in the White Rose last weekend, celebrating my sister's 30th, the first song we heard was "Hotel California" by the Eagles. It was faintly playing in the background once we were seated. Of all the songs that could have played, that was a reminder of her on such a special evening. Last week, driving home after work, I saw the most beautiful cardinal literally flying next to my car; feather moment. Every time, not kidding, EVERY TIME, I either order spaghetti, or open a box of spaghetti, there is one noodle that doesn't belong..to me-feather moment. The month after she passed away, in college, I was in a kindergarten classroom… preparing for the next step in the education program. This sweet, little girl pulled at my leg and asked, "Do you have a mom?" Of all the questions (and there are many from 5-year olds) she could have asked, that feather moment was perfect. "I do have a mom; she's wonderful," I replied.
     Even though I know head-on collisions will continue to pop up on my calendar, my hope for myself, and all of you, is that the heaviness your heart feels on those days, is softened by those feather moments that graciously appear as well. 

Talk Less, Blog More

Sooo hello sweet summer! I can't believe it is summer vacation already. It feels surreal because I wasn't there the entire year...it's really over already?! Boxes packed, papers checked, or uh..recycled, grades in, summer on! I will definitely get my taste of stay-at-hom-momism over the next few weeks, and so far so good. I constantly feel like I second guess what I'm doing with Samuel though. Should we have a structured day planned? Should I have read him one more book? Should we do flashcards? Did I refer to Samuel,Mommy, Daddy,using our names instead of pronouns b/c he doesn't understand them yet? Sheesh. Then I go on my homepage and see a mom drove with her baby on the roof of her car and I don't feel so bad about my parenting. Unless that was part of Jackass 4, that lady is a cockledoo, to quote my gf *Bethenny*. My college friend Dana created a bucket list last year in honor of her 30th birthday. I am going to do something similar, but make it more short-term, and have the duration be this summer.. so here goes.. in no particular order: 1. Read my Bible more and blog more...I am not putting a definitive amount here b/c I don't want to set myself up for failure right off the bat. Needless to say, I'm not going to count my dailybible verse that comes through on my app as sufficient. I need to do more. I also need to blog more... I have a lot to say, so if you don't want to hear it, then read it. Talk less, blog more. 2. I hopped on the organization train as of last week, and unless I get majorly derailed (pun intended) my house will be labeled, categorized, color coded, etc. Every day I will take the approach of "bettering" one area or one room. 3. Okay let's get fun now.... I really want to get my final tattoo(s) this summer. I already have one on my right foot for my mom, Philemon 1:4- "I always thank my God when I remember you in my prayers". I am so glad I got this tattoo with my friend Adam Guthrie. That is such a special memory I have with him. My other tattoo I got with Kristin and Tiffany a few years ago. Josh and I were married at the time, so I didn't want to tell him I was going to get another tattoo b/c I knew he would say, "no" and I wasn't okay with "asking" my husband for permission.. what am I Florence Knightengale (did I just make that name up)? So I surprised him at dinner with my new ink, and he asked if it was temporary (kind of offensive to the tattoo artist). I explained that each color represented our favorites... me: yellow, Kristin: purple, Tiffany: blue. He said it looked like a Steelers tattoo. I compromised and said my reasoning for the new tattoo was twofold. :) The sides and locations of my tattoos are purposeful, well I hope that's always the case with tattoos. I like things to be even and balanced. So after tattoo # 1 was on my right foot, tattoo # 2 had to be on the left. Tattoo # 3 will be a huge cross in the middle of my back. Not sure yet on style, size, color, etc. but I have a few ideas. I would also like to get something in my mom's handwriting added to tattoo # 1 on my foot. 4. Be a good auntie to my niece, Elin. She is beyond sweet...so small, precious, and perfect. A gift from God...<3 her. 5. Be okay with self-actualization. The older I get, the more I discover about myself; the good, the bad, the Fugly. Yes that f is necessary... sometimes I catch myself and I think, ugh that's what annoys me about my dad, or what my mom used to do, and now I'm doing it. I'm annoyed with myself for something that annoys me about them, what gives? Something else I realized is I wait until things spiral out of control to take care of them. Examples: my hair in regards to washing and cutting, Samuel's toys at the end of the day, my disorganization. I'm glad I am aware of what I do, but I need to do things better. Speaking of Samuel is crying...more later xoxo