Talk Less, Blog More

Sooo hello sweet summer! I can't believe it is summer vacation already. It feels surreal because I wasn't there the entire year...it's really over already?! Boxes packed, papers checked, or uh..recycled, grades in, summer on! I will definitely get my taste of stay-at-hom-momism over the next few weeks, and so far so good. I constantly feel like I second guess what I'm doing with Samuel though. Should we have a structured day planned? Should I have read him one more book? Should we do flashcards? Did I refer to Samuel,Mommy, Daddy,using our names instead of pronouns b/c he doesn't understand them yet? Sheesh. Then I go on my homepage and see a mom drove with her baby on the roof of her car and I don't feel so bad about my parenting. Unless that was part of Jackass 4, that lady is a cockledoo, to quote my gf *Bethenny*. My college friend Dana created a bucket list last year in honor of her 30th birthday. I am going to do something similar, but make it more short-term, and have the duration be this summer.. so here goes.. in no particular order: 1. Read my Bible more and blog more...I am not putting a definitive amount here b/c I don't want to set myself up for failure right off the bat. Needless to say, I'm not going to count my dailybible verse that comes through on my app as sufficient. I need to do more. I also need to blog more... I have a lot to say, so if you don't want to hear it, then read it. Talk less, blog more. 2. I hopped on the organization train as of last week, and unless I get majorly derailed (pun intended) my house will be labeled, categorized, color coded, etc. Every day I will take the approach of "bettering" one area or one room. 3. Okay let's get fun now.... I really want to get my final tattoo(s) this summer. I already have one on my right foot for my mom, Philemon 1:4- "I always thank my God when I remember you in my prayers". I am so glad I got this tattoo with my friend Adam Guthrie. That is such a special memory I have with him. My other tattoo I got with Kristin and Tiffany a few years ago. Josh and I were married at the time, so I didn't want to tell him I was going to get another tattoo b/c I knew he would say, "no" and I wasn't okay with "asking" my husband for permission.. what am I Florence Knightengale (did I just make that name up)? So I surprised him at dinner with my new ink, and he asked if it was temporary (kind of offensive to the tattoo artist). I explained that each color represented our favorites... me: yellow, Kristin: purple, Tiffany: blue. He said it looked like a Steelers tattoo. I compromised and said my reasoning for the new tattoo was twofold. :) The sides and locations of my tattoos are purposeful, well I hope that's always the case with tattoos. I like things to be even and balanced. So after tattoo # 1 was on my right foot, tattoo # 2 had to be on the left. Tattoo # 3 will be a huge cross in the middle of my back. Not sure yet on style, size, color, etc. but I have a few ideas. I would also like to get something in my mom's handwriting added to tattoo # 1 on my foot. 4. Be a good auntie to my niece, Elin. She is beyond sweet...so small, precious, and perfect. A gift from God...<3 her. 5. Be okay with self-actualization. The older I get, the more I discover about myself; the good, the bad, the Fugly. Yes that f is necessary... sometimes I catch myself and I think, ugh that's what annoys me about my dad, or what my mom used to do, and now I'm doing it. I'm annoyed with myself for something that annoys me about them, what gives? Something else I realized is I wait until things spiral out of control to take care of them. Examples: my hair in regards to washing and cutting, Samuel's toys at the end of the day, my disorganization. I'm glad I am aware of what I do, but I need to do things better. Speaking of Samuel is crying...more later xoxo

Feblueary

Sometimes February feels like the longest month, even though it's the shortest. My mom passed away in February, nine years tomorrow, and my grandpa passed away last February. I guess my dad and I look at it as the "worst" month, so maybe it's better to have all of your heartache bunched together. As the end of January approaches every year, February looms over me like a dark cloud. I pray that in those 28/29 days, nothing bad happens. Each minute, hour, day, seems so long.....
I don't want to live in fear, especially for a whole month, and I know God's timing sending my mom into heaven was predetermined, but it is a part of my life, I didn't realize I would have to deal with so young.
Some years affect me more than others, but I know that small piece of me that was lost on February 24, 2003, will never come back.
On a more positive note, this year I tried to do something each day to remember my mom.... some of these things included:
1. Eating Twizzlers
2. Playing the Daily Number
3. Praying
4. Sending a card to a friend
5. Buying an even number of fruit/veggies (Thanks for that small OCD component mom)
6. Living in the moment

I'll stop at 6 because that was her favorite number. Inevitably, I DO a lot of these things anyways, because I am a part of her. Dealing with a loss of this magnitude has changed me as a person. There is no way to come out of something like this the same as before it happened.
I don't know what my relationship with my dad would be like if my mom was still alive. We were very jokey, sporty, happy go lucky before, but now, he is my mom and dad and has been both roles for almost a decade. If I'm stressed, PMS-ing, breastfeeding, worried, sad, happy, he has to hear it all, and he is a great listening ear for me. Where I have married, had a baby, he is still in the house. He can visualize her cooking in the kitchen, laying on the couch, walking up the stairs. I know part of the reason he isn't selling is because that is one more huge door that would be closed on our memories that continue to fade.
I think that is one of the hardest parts, the fading memories. As time passes, it's harder to picture her in my mind, hear her voice, and remember. There have been times when I have frantically typed or written things I've remembered about her, with the hope of triggering more and more. These instances have dissipated over the years.
I know this has made me a stronger person, and I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I know other people where if this happened to them, they would be broken forever, wouldn't have bounced back and kept on living. Each day and each year, I celebrate my mom, and now I know how much she loved me, as I get to hold my sweet child everyday. :)

Good to the Last Drop

Welp, my little sweet son is 6 months today! What a milestone! Today was also the last day at work I will be a pumping fool in the nurses office. My original plan was six months and now on this day I feel freedom, guilt, and the need to finally wear a bra with under wire. My boobs are begging to be uplifted from the Medela nursing bra they've been forced into for the last half a year.

Breastfeeding has been so much more than I originally thought. When someone told me, "Your tits will become breasts," upon hearing my pregnancy news, they weren't kidding. It's so amazing what the human body can do. My body supplied my son's nutritional needs for four months, then work got in the way and formula came to the rescue. Watching Samuel drink his first formula bottle was like putting Kryptonite next to Superman. I felt so bad; how can I as his mom give him this junk in a can? To make myself feel better, I started calling it his little "protein drink" and telling him in order to get muscles like mom and dad he needs a little whey in his diet. Then I would remember "curds and whey" from Little Miss Muffet and feel milk guilt all over again. Curds, milk, get it?

So then, Samuel was put in the category of breastfeeding and supplementing, which took awhile to accept, and admit. I never thought I would feel so bad about having to supplement, but really I had no other choice. Pumping at work was not as effective as I'd thought. Coworkers and friends would boast about how they had so much milk they would have to switch bottles during pumping (what are you a tap?) while I would watch each drop with anticipation as each bottle barely hit the 2 oz. mark, leaving me drained in more ways than one.....

On the other hand, I know I will continue to breastfeed in the morning, after work, and in the evening. Samuel is not in the exclusive "formula" category yet. When that day comes, have a glass of wine and a box of tissues for this momma. The only thing that will be rejoicing that fateful day is my new VS bra which has been waiting for its debut since July 13, when this whole adventure began, and when my sweet son was born. :)

10 Year Reunion

So tonight is my 10 year high school reunion. I keep thinking about that one car commercial where the guy is flooded with memories as he remembers times in his old car with his high school girlfriend. It would be funny if every person that walked in tonight had to pause and listen to.."Oh yah this is powerful stuff," or however the song starts, and share the nostaglia they were experencing upon seeing high school people. I am excited, I think my class was pretty close. I'm sure there will be moments of awkwardness, but that just makes for even more stories later on. Needless to say, this is mine and Josh's first night away from our little bambino. He will be in good hands, but I will miss putting him to sleep. :)

Stay at home.....teacher?

Whoa what a trip the last four months have been... and I'm sure will continue to be as I learn what to do, and not do in motherhood. I've definitely learned a lot about myself, Josh, and the whole dynamic of becoming parents. I don't think my maternity leave went fast, there were some looonnnggg days, and nights. I don't say that with disdain, because I would not trade a sleepless night for anything, okay maybe a spray tan, but I digress.

How can this sweet little bundle of joy not even know me and love me so much? He doesn't know that I speed, interrupt people, make comments under my breath ahem, critical ones, procrastinate, so many of my faults, he has no concept of, (and hopefully doesn't inherit), yet he smiles and coos and is just content to be in my presence. What a miracle sweet Samuel, and any baby for that matter, is.

I make one UGLY stay-at-home mom. There have been days I look in the mirror and scare myself. Matted feathers, dayS old mascara, hairy l... well not only legs, hairy everything. Oh my, oh my. If I brushed my hair before Josh came home on certain days, he was lucky. I would stumble to give him a hug as he came in the door, with a breast pump in one hand, and boob, figuratively speaking, and a burp cloth in the other. He would kiss my cheek far enough to my ear b/c he knew my pearly whites smelled anything but minty.

What a transition I am facing as I am re-entering the work force. I could easily watch the boob tube (see there is a correlation between breastfeeding and watching tv. I mean you can't look at your baby or read every time) from 8-1 everyday. I start with Good Morning America/Today show, depending on the topics. No Matt Lauer, I don't care where in the world you are this week, so GMA has been my pick. Then we have Regis and Kelly at 9. Once I see what Kelly is wearing, and a good bicep flex from her (awkward), and hear a senile remark from Rege (ugh those critical comments), I flip to more GMA. Next we have Ellen, LOVE! She is hilarious. 11-1 is a little sketchy between Whoopi, Nate Burkus and the Doctors. All similar in entertainment, also all with the same level of mediocrity. Now instead of zoning out in front of the tv on my lazy mornings, I'll have students zoning out on me. I know this is what has to be done, but maybe in the future, say baby # 4... I may just be able to be a stay-at-home mom for good. :)