Surviving Preschool

    So today was the last party for Samuel's first year of preschool. Just a few more weeks and he will be a 3-year old grad! #pompandcircumstance. 
I wish I had a handbook to guide me through this first year as there were a few hiccups along the way. 
Here is what I learned what to do/not to do. #ifpreschoolwashardformewhatwillkindergartenbring

This was literally me at so many points this year… but instead of it saying "LSAT"
on the cover it said, "Preschool for Dummies"

DO:

*Be a nicey to all the preschool moms. Even when one of them interrogates you about your selected craft and you want to scream, "I'M A TEACHER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, I can handle this." Because she may just compliment you and tell you how impressed she is once she sees the kids in action. 

*Buy school pictures! I almost missed out on this gem: 

Me:  "Samuel, how were pictures today?"
Samuel:  "Good, but I think I smiled funny."

*Ask your child about their new friends and the songs they sing. From August-January we only talked about snack, but finally I started to get some info. :)

*Tell your child how proud of them you are with their report card:

#whatitsallabout

*Buy a ridiculously overpriced book bag for your youngin, because clearly that is indicative of what kind of year it will be.

I know, I know, it has his name on it and that's a no no.

DON'T:

*Assume your child will be okay if you just "pop-in" on a given day for a story, then head back to work. You will have a screaming tot and a broken heart.


*Freak out if and when your child freaks out as you spent all hours of the night preparing, buying, making things for the next day's party. I've seen tears, hair pulling, and screaming  (yes, all my sweet boy).


*Freak out if your craft, snack, etc. isn't Pinterest worthy. Pinterest is a farse where time doesn't exist. Cut yourself a break. :)

*Throw away all fundraising information that doesn't seem appealing. You may just throw away lottery raffle tickets, that may just cost $25.00 each. So you may be eating the $50. Just saying.

*Panic when the preschool teacher starts recounting stories your child tells while at school. "My mommy pumps her milk in a locker at her work for my baby brother to drink."  #pumpingprobs  #traumatizingmytoddler   C'mon Samuel, it's not a locker, it's a storage closet son! 

*Show up on days when preschool is cancelled (I may have done this once or twice).

The Day My Life Stopped-and Restarted

One of my favorite pictures of my mom and I 

Sweet child

I miss you Mom. There are so many things you have missed. Last night, when Jonah tried sweet potatoes for the first time, I wanted to call you. Last Monday, when, I was struggling (horribly) with the whole working mom thing…and I needed advice, your advice, … I needed  you. Tomorrow marks twelve years. Twelve long years, without you. Within those years, there has been much celebration, joy, blessings, abundance, but then its coupled with loss. I've tried to fill that void with so many things. It doesn't get easier, you don't get over it, you don't move on, you just learn how to live without that person. 

So as I sit here dreading every February, every February 24th, I think about how many other people- working, living, existing, near me, have their own day. (I always hope that on February 23rd, a camera crew, my mom, and all kinds of other people will come to me like a Truman Show moment, telling me how I've basically been taped all this time; that it hasn't been real).  A haunting, troubling, sad, life-changing day. I think about this as I see people lose patience in the store with a cashier, people who are so angry, you can practically see it pouring out of them. I have wanted to take their hand, pray, and say, "You will be okay. I'm sad too. I'm angry, hurt, discouraged, but despite the loss, and all those feelings, I'm okay. My life stopped, but it's started again."

At times I feel like everyone forgets about this day and what significance it has… How can people keep living the day my life stopped? This question affected me and really bothered me for awhile. 

But guess what? Everyone has their own stuff. Some people can lug their baggage around in a carry on, and others could have an entourage of people behind them pulling their suitcases. That's life. People I know have lost parents at a younger age than me. Friends have miscarried and haven't experienced that sweet baby. Close family and friends have divorced. Life happens. 

Somehow, on February 25th, 2003, I managed to get out of bed. The day after my world came crashing down, God gave me strength to keep living.  Every February since that horrible day, God has helped me find strength (sometimes in the depth of my soul) to keep going. My life stopped, but then it restarted. 

I really want to think that at least 350-ish days, I handle this loss well. I don't want people to look at me and know what I've gone through based on me seeming depressed or sad. That doesn't mean I won't share how I'm feeling, and how heart broken I still feel at times, BUT I don't want this to define me. 

I want Samuel and Jonah and hopefully many more babies to be happy and filled up, instead of around a depressed, moping mom…how fun and fair would that be for them?

So tomorrow I will do what I know to cope-pray,exercise, talk to my dad, hug my babies and Josh extra tight. I will let myself be sad, mad, angry, grateful, nostalgic, and teary. I remember my mom and all that she was, all the memories I still treasure, and always will. 

#thestruggleisreal

     It's hard to believe I've been a mom of two for four months. What a crazy ride it has been so far. There are times when I'm in Giant Eagle, and I stop and think, "I'm doing it, I can't believe I'm doing it." What I mean by "doing" is that both kids are content, I still have a little room between a baby and toddler to squeeze some groceries, I have a list and it's in my hand, and I actually know where my debit card is located. #crapwhereismyadvantagecard 
     If you asked me in the summer if this would be possible pre-Jonah, I would have laughed. Also, the fact I can nurse Jonah and prepare Samuel dinner at the same time brings new meaning to "multi-tasking"... I'm able to feed Jonah in the middle of the night, throw together an overnight casserole, pump, then go back to sleep until the next feeding, and somehow function the next day with the interrupted/deprived sleep state I'm finding myself in these days really is something. #nottotootmyownhorn 
     I feel blessed to have the opportunity to have done the stay-at-home-mom thing for an extended maternity leave, and now the time is here to squeeze into pants without an elastic waist(insert sad emoji) and put on my working mom hat. There is so much debate and discussion about what's easier? When Jonah cried literally day and night for the first 8 weeks, what I wouldn't give at times to be away, and back in the classroom, with adult interaction.. anywhere from a 24/7 fussy child. But now that he is content and giggling, Samuel attached to my leg in the morning, what I wouldn't give to crawl back into bed with my babies and talk about what adventures we will do that day as a family. It's all tough on different days and for different reasons. 
      My two biggest struggles with working + mom are: the working out thang, and knowing the conversations and random stuff I miss while I'm working b/c having a toddler is a blast. #onmostdays

Working out these days looks like this…..

Well, actually, like this: 

When I ask Samuel if I can borrow one of his weights, he says no, he's busy exercising. So, I do push-ups or something else until he is onto the next thing. Then Jonah wakes up from his cat nap, and my work out is at a halt for the moment. 

I've made some progress from this. It would be an adorable picture if Jonah was still in my belly. This is what a fresh after-belly baby looks like… Hoping the headband distracts a little from the cone shaped weirdness of my stomach. 

As long as I keep feeling stronger mentally and physically each month from working out; I'm satisfied. If I get discouraged, I refer to this picture and say, well, at least I'm making progress. I will not enter a race until I think I can be competitive but it helps me set a goal, so I'm hoping this spring I feel ready for a 5K time I can be proud of. 

The second thing that makes me sad, is that I would've missed out on this little guy:

     Samuel found this ghost in his stroller and was so excited to carry it around with him all day. He got it from a Halloween treat bag, and couldn't be happier to be reunited with "Ghost". #theoriginalityisastounding ….So we went to BabiesRUs to buy organic baby food for Jonah b/c I didn't see any at Giant Eagle, so I couldn't scratch it off my list. Jonah had to eat, and we were making our way to the nursing mother's room. On our way, I allowed Samuel to choose 2 books I could read to him while I was feeding Jonah. He chose a princess book #naturally and a Toy Story book. As we settled onto the couch in the room, there was another mother feeding her baby across from us. A few pages into Snow White, and a few questions about the lady directly across from us #awkward, Samuel realized "Ghost" was nowhere to be found. To set the scene more accurately… we had been at the mall since 11 that morning, had not napped, etc. I knew that "Ghost" missing in this moment was more catastrophic than a typical day. So I had to unlatch Jonah, and retrace our steps out the door. We did not find "Ghost" and Jonah still had to eat on the other side #nursingmomprobs 

     As we sat back on the couch, Samuel was okay if we read another princess story, and I promised we would walk through the entire store and ask the workers until we found him. As we left the room, I prayed… PLEASE Lord, let us find Ghost for Samuel. A short and sweet prayer for my little boy. We went back to where we grabbed the two books and we found the little guy just laying in the middle of the aisle. #godanswersevensmallprayerspeople 

     This is just one example of so many lessons I could teach Samuel from this BabiesRUs trip… be responsible with things, God is good, pray in all circumstances, and about asking appropriate questions not in front of the person lol. #allinadayswork    #blessed

Hands Free Mama

Okay so do I mean this type of "Hands Free"? ….not exactly. 

Here is the cover of an amazing book I read this summer...

I want to be the best mom I can be, so this book seemed to be a relevant/interesting read based on the cover, and could possibly give me some tips for this journey called motherhood. One of the first pages had this pledge….

I initially thought this book was all about getting rid of devices, but it was so much more. Many things jumped out to me... had me crying, thinking, taking notes, rereading. It just made sense. The premise of the book is all about being "present" which I'm finding in today's world is becoming a problem. I want to be present for my kids, my family, my friends. 

"If you constantly feel your attention being averted from what really matters to the insignificant and meaningless details of your life, then you might be familiar with The Disease of Distraction."

Hmm.. interesting…

Here are some highlights and how I am totes guilts of what this book was all about:

*One story Rachel (the author) told, was how her daughters REALLY wanted to go swimming on Mother's Day. This was not her idea of how this day would pan out, and after all, FINALLY, a day where a mom can be selfish and do things she wants to do without feeling guilty about putting her needs first. Rachel described how she didn't really enjoy swimming, and if and when she did go, she hated getting her hair wet. I totally agree. The many times I took Samuel in our pool this summer, I didn't go under. Ugh, chlorine hair + sun = nightmare. One day this summer I had a sitter come to the house, and she got her hair wet. This was the first thing Samuel told me when I came home. "We went swimming, and we BOTH went under!" Guilt surged through my body. This small thing that I repeatedly avoided, was his highlight while I was away.

We spend a lot of time under water in the pool now. :) I just go to bed with pool head! I mean the belly laughs I get from Samuel when I go under and "George Washington" my hair are worth every split end that results from our pool day. 

"Being spontaneous and playful created a tangible connection to my children that simply observing them did not." 

I am totally guilty of this one… "watching" Samuel play with his monster trucks, train set, Play-Doh, kitchen, you name it… and not "engaging" in the play… because I'm.. making dinner, picking up, trying to fold five towels real quick, cleaning up a spill, answering a text, you name it. Rachel talked about a time it was raining and she allowed her kids to play in the rain, and she joined them. Wow. What a memory she created for her kids.

So last week, as I'm four weeks out from having a baby… Jonah is sleeping, FINALLY (that's a whole other blog post) in his swing for a few hours. 4-7:30 P.M. to be exact. It was one of those beautiful fall days we've been having. Samuel wanted to play in his sprinkler. Translation…ugh, I have to dig it out of the toy bin, hook it up to the hose, it's going to fall over 25 times. Sounds awful. Then I thought..what if I play with him?  Um, because Jonah is sleeping, I just had a baby, my uterus will fall out, should I keep going? But I thought, I could create a memory for Samuel. We could tell dad how we BOTH played in the sprinkler today; doing our best Spiderman jumps over the water. 

Yes we both got wet, grass was all over our feet, which we tracked in the house, but it was a fun time. #uterusdidnotfallout

He still talks about that "silly" day. 

"XO before you go"

There have been many mornings, and I'm sure there will continue to be…

"Josh do you have money to pay the sitter? What do you want for dinner? Did Samuel pee in his pull-up last night?" Literally a 20-minute conversation smashed into two minutes, as we are both walking out the door. How many times do I blow kisses to my husband and baby, shout, "I love you; have a good day," and fly out the door? This whole "XO before you go" is sweet. Make the time to give a sufficient hug and kiss before you go. Maybe that means waking up five minutes earlier, or not putting on as much makeup, or something. I know typing this sounds easier than in the moment, but I really like the idea. I never want my family to feel as though I'm too rushed or busy to show them affection. #heartbreaking

The last quote from the book I love is: 

"Choosing connection over distraction offers you a chance to nuture your most sacred relationships-now and in the future. I cannot think of a better use of your precious time, can you?

It's Thomas!

So yesterday was Samuel's third birthday party. He loves Thomas the Train, so that was the theme for the shindig. One of my best friends is an event planner, so I guess I'll have to ask her if a headache, sickness, hangover feeling follows every day AFTER an event. What a whirlwind of a few weeks, and day, but what a reward seeing Samuel's face when the school bus pulled up to take him to his party at the park. 

Pure Joy :)

I know a bus isn't a train, so maybe the theme should have been "transportation" technically. A friend of Josh's brought us conductor-ish gear…so this was our attire for the celebration: 

The baby is all hyped up on caffeine #tiredmom

I love that Josh participates and willingly wears these ridiculous things. I was concentrating on keeping my breakfast and iced coffee down on the bus. I am so sensitive to motion sickness. Every bump in the road and bead of sweat intensified my sickness…. but it was worth it to ride with my little man! 

We had a few hiccups along the way….. 3 to be exact… but it was all good. :)

1.  I saw on Pinterest this easy way to say "Happy Birthday" as soon as your kiddo wakes up on his or her special day. #somethingthatisactuallydoableonpinterest

Go figure, the ONLY lipstick I had in my drawer was my ONLY MAC lipstick…. there is $16.00 down the drain… and Samuel wanted me to wipe it off because "people don't write on mirrors."

2.  When Tiff and I went to the park to decorate in the morning, we had some guests that would not get out of our way. Adorable, but a little anxiety provoking when on a tight schedule to catch a bus! 

3.  I wanted to do this that I found online for drinks to go with the "Thomas" theme….

But we ended up with a broken decanter…. and only iced tea with no signs…..

People probably wondered why there were decanters and cups in addition to four coolers. Stupid Pinterest makes me feel guilty. Sorry Aunt Debbie…. on my to-do list this week.

Overall, it was an awesome day with friends and family. We are so blessed to have Samuel and I hope he had the best time at his party. The day ended with this picture… I was too tired to sleep of course, but I'm glad the birthday boy and my co-conductor got some sleep after a busy day!