Thursday, February 23, 2012

Feblueary

Sometimes February feels like the longest month, even though it's the shortest. My mom passed away in February, nine years tomorrow, and my grandpa passed away last February. I guess my dad and I look at it as the "worst" month, so maybe it's better to have all of your heartache bunched together. As the end of January approaches every year, February looms over me like a dark cloud. I pray that in those 28/29 days, nothing bad happens. Each minute, hour, day, seems so long.....
I don't want to live in fear, especially for a whole month, and I know God's timing sending my mom into heaven was predetermined, but it is a part of my life, I didn't realize I would have to deal with so young.
Some years affect me more than others, but I know that small piece of me that was lost on February 24, 2003, will never come back.
On a more positive note, this year I tried to do something each day to remember my mom.... some of these things included:
1. Eating Twizzlers
2. Playing the Daily Number
3. Praying
4. Sending a card to a friend
5. Buying an even number of fruit/veggies (Thanks for that small OCD component mom)
6. Living in the moment

I'll stop at 6 because that was her favorite number. Inevitably, I DO a lot of these things anyways, because I am a part of her. Dealing with a loss of this magnitude has changed me as a person. There is no way to come out of something like this the same as before it happened.
I don't know what my relationship with my dad would be like if my mom was still alive. We were very jokey, sporty, happy go lucky before, but now, he is my mom and dad and has been both roles for almost a decade. If I'm stressed, PMS-ing, breastfeeding, worried, sad, happy, he has to hear it all, and he is a great listening ear for me. Where I have married, had a baby, he is still in the house. He can visualize her cooking in the kitchen, laying on the couch, walking up the stairs. I know part of the reason he isn't selling is because that is one more huge door that would be closed on our memories that continue to fade.
I think that is one of the hardest parts, the fading memories. As time passes, it's harder to picture her in my mind, hear her voice, and remember. There have been times when I have frantically typed or written things I've remembered about her, with the hope of triggering more and more. These instances have dissipated over the years.
I know this has made me a stronger person, and I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I know other people where if this happened to them, they would be broken forever, wouldn't have bounced back and kept on living. Each day and each year, I celebrate my mom, and now I know how much she loved me, as I get to hold my sweet child everyday. :)












3 comments:

  1. What a wonderful testimony to your mom, Natalie! I love your idea of doing something every day to remember/honor her. I think I'll do that this year in memory of Adam. His birthday is this Sunday, so February has become a less-than-favorite month for me, too. As you said, these experiences make one stronger. God has led me to help others who are grieving. . . .Beginning March 13th I will be co-facilitating a 13 week session of GriefShare. It is my hope that I can be of some comfort to others. Thanks for sharing!!

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  2. Natalie, I don't remember the exact date of your mom's passing, but I do remember being at Geneva and hearing about it but I always think of you in February (because I DO remember that!) (and other times too, of course!) and wonder how you're getting along. I do try to remember to pray for you & your dad too. Don't forget to go through old photo books, etc. and remember her that way too. And Samuel will love to hear all about her as he gets older.

    Love, hugs, and prayers!!! Miss you girlie!

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  3. Natalie...thank you for sharing your heart. A February hasn't passed that I haven't thought of you and the loss of your mom. I also think of this...how God held you up, gave you strength and hope in a situation that will never make sense, and what an encouragement you continued to be to everyone who knew you. I think as you continue to be who you are and as your character unfolds in your role as a mother, you will bring out the best of your mom. I love you very much. Know that you are covered in prayer, my friend.

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