Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Hoarder?

So am I hoarder? You tell me... my purse always is full to the brim, (I still have a receipt from two years ago.. I purchased a $150 purse for $26 and kept this momento so I could beam from time to time) as is my refrigerator. When I need sour cream, I buy another one without checking to see if there is one in the fridge. Laziness? Being cautious while shopping to solidify this important ingredient? When I'm on the computer I always have at least 5 + tabs open. Then the computer asks me if I want to close all tabs. Well, no I don't or else I would make that decision. All my email accounts are full, I've received emails about my emails. (Okay tech person, I think you are just making my problem worse, and my box fuller). I think in a sense I am, but do I have sour cream containers from four years ago, no. I think by starting a blog I'm helping my hoarding habits because I can't receive an email through blog, just comments. :)

Monday, August 23, 2010

The Do's and Don't of Summer

As summer draws to a close, there is such a conglomeration of ideas in my mind about what to do, and what NOT to do. Here is a fun mix of things that happened to me or around me this summer:

1. DO tell me that your dog is a mix between a poodle and a shiatsu as I immaturely ask for all combinations of how to pronounce that breed correctly. Either way is hysterical.

2. Do NOT sneeze while taking various types of tests in the bathroom; I'll leave it at that.

3. DO begin yoga at a local studio or use an 80's DVD to make it not as intimidating. Hey even if your poses don't look as good, you know your spandex outfit is hipper.

4. Do NOT take your dog to the vet and claim their only ailment is "feeling sad." For some reason, the vet I went to did not consider this a valid concern. Needless to say, I switched vets until I found someone who could psychoanalyze my pooch. (Kidding about the last part, unfortunately serious about the first).

5. DO set goals for yourself and check them as you complete them. Take risks, you only live once!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Ecclesiastes 4:9

So, as you can see from the picture of my husband and I via this page, we are super tan, in shape, and love the beach look. Besides the physicalities of our relationship, I'm finding out more and more about him each day. His quarks and my randomness make for one crazy household (can't wait to see the offspring in the future, and no, that doesn't mean I'm preggers). These are a few things about the man who said yes to this crazy blonde and who I am madly in love with......
1. Instead of using the timer on the oven, he prefers his Nike watch. He likes to have the time accessible as he moves around the house, rather than bother to go in the kitchen. Now, if we had a mansion, understandable, but you can sprint from one side of our house to the other in 1.2 seconds, but I love it regardless.
2. Each morning I find change and 2 screws on the table (I think you could insert a "That's what she said" here, but it may be a stretch). He buys people water at work, and has to move license plates around on cars, even though I wish it was something more exciting. I didn't realize this when we first got married and had a ball trying to figure out what he was buying and taking apart.
3. He has started to refer to our dog Bella, as Bella bambino baby, my nickname for her. Sometimes I'll catch him using a high-pitched voice which makes me proud.
4. My definition of filling up the Brita is enough water to cover the bottom. I messily splash water on the top, not bothering to wipe it off. He makes sure it is always full and neatly wiped before putting it in the fridge.
5. I pack him the same thing everyday for lunch, and I mean EVERYDAY. 2 PBJ's, 2 granola bars. BORING to the max. I'll try to spice it up by using crunchy pb or putting one granola bar and a few twizzlers. Sometimes, I'll put tons of jelly so it's oozing off the sides. He kindly reminds me he wants his sandwiches and granola bars, that's it. To make it fun to some extent, I now time myself when making lunches, I mean how else can you make that borefest lunch more exciting? One more note, he uses separate knives as not to mix the pb&j,if he packs his own, I use one. So far, he doesn't notice that one, or is too nice to say. :)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

It's A Dinglehopper

So many moons ago my friend and I were living it up at Mad Mex not only enjoying the burritos and bottomless chips y salsa, but also the delish margaritas ( 3 22 ouncers to be exact) I tell you the quantity as this will play a major factor in this post. Soo what better way to end the night than to go to the pet store to look around? Well being the PITA advocate I am...I had to rescue a small cocker spaniel pup from the glass case cell in which she resided, poor pooch. It only made sense to buy her that night after margarita mehem. As $450 was swiped on each of our debits (What a steal right)? I had the honor to name our precious purchase. Dinglehopper was funny bc I heart The Little Mermaid, but Ariel was much better bc this pup was a girl. So $900 later we had full bellies, and full hearts. The next morning we realized what we had done and decided all purchases are returnable. We went to the petstore with our merdog and tried to return her sadly enough. We were each charged a $150 convenience fee (what convenience was provided I still don't know) and I got into a screaming match with the manager about how the dogs are from puppy mills, aren't taken care of, the whole gamete. My friend and I had our pictures taken by the surveillance camera and it is now posted in the store not allowing us to enter. I wrote a few letters and made some calls about this establishment but nothing happened. I think about Ariel from time to time and feel so bad for her. The owner of the store should wag more, bark less ( I love that bumper sticker) :)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Dancing Queen

One night in college I attended the annual Christmas dinner dance. I was just starting to date my soon to be hubby so what else could be better than a free meal and an all out grindfest? This event was held in one of the many ballrooms at the Holiday Inn. We were all having such a fun night and we decided to check out the other rooms in the hotel since there were other groups cupid shuffling burning their cals from dinner too. So we walked into a party of 50/60 yearolds. Either a work function or class reunion. All of a sudden my college girls and I were finding eligible men while the guys were wowed by cougars. I guess my tootsie roll was a little too risque for one woman's liking as she gave me a nasty look while pulling her man away saying "It's time to go Jerry." Hey girl...sometimes ya just gotta dance! So overall the crowd was loving our presence...One man decided to show off his dancing skills as we made a circle around him on the floor. (Think Office episode with Andy dancing and pulling his "down there" region). That was the unfortunate series of events that unfolded for this Bernard wannabe. He attempted to do a split and well...split not only his legs but what was between his legs. After a colleague yelled "Call 911" (Who knew this could've been used in a previous post) my college pals and I congalined out the door and reentered our party.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Downward Dog

Yes, that is a yoga position, and yes it is excruciatingly painful. I embarked on my first yoga class today. Wow, what a killer! I came in with street shoes on, (Mistake one) as all other participants had neatly placed their sandals in a cubbie; I placed my tenners and crumpled socks in a neat ball in the corner. Also, my mat had "The Firm" proudly imprinted at the top. (Mistake two- is that a workout DVD from the 80's or something? I inhaled through my nose, and exhaled through my mouth, letting out oms, sighs, and throaty breaths. You are SUPPOSED to exhale through your nose, as the instructor politely reminded everyone. So in this basic yoga class, I learned how to do a headstand, and place my feet neatly in the crevices of my knees, while sitting on my head. We had to find the "flat" part of our head, which was surprisingly difficult, even for this blonde. The class was fabulous, and the Yoga Lounge is a must see for all you gumbilicious people.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Does my droid post look different? Is it as small as it looks?

I am the proud owner of a Droid. I am going to see how many times I can say "DROID" in my robot voice without Josh getting annoyed, so far so good. So I can tweet,surf,stalk,chat,text,blog, from one phone insanity. I think I found an app that works for you while you sit athome vegging out to Ripa & Ray but miraculously you receive the paycheck. I guess a paycheck actually has to be sent through old school mail (sorry gmail). I was a wildwoman scanning the barcodes of food with my one app, I am fulfilling my dream of being a scanner! I also used the calorie restaurant counter to look up my favs when I go out to eat. I made myself feel better with the nutrition info by reminding myself 50% of the time I ask for a box. DROID!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

"Replacement Ox"

So way back in the day of high school, a Science teacher needed a babysitter for his tarantula, Ox, over the summer. (This could be a fun challenge, and topic of discussion, I thought), I accepted his request for a babysitter and happily carried home his glass container, hoping he wouldn't somehow get loose and end up on biting my face (think arachnophobia). I mean really, how DO you take care of a spider?
My parents were less than thrilled with this new addition, but I assured them, he would never escape, and it was temporary. Two weeks later, unaware of the storms predicted for the area, Ox's cage was left outside, and sadly he drowned. I came home from an important shopping trip, to find him floating bottom up in the container. So now, I was faced with two problems. 1. What to do with dead Ox. 2. Where to get a replacement.
I figured I start with # 2 first, as Ox's dead body decomposed in a Dixie cup. I thought that was a proper burial site for him since it conformed so nicely to his arachnid body type. I went to the pet store and found the spider that resembled Ox the most, however, this replacement had a red spot and was "expecting." How did the guy at the store know that? Did this pregnant spider have eight cankles or something? It definitely looked different than Ox, but it would have to do. $35.00 later, replacement Ox sat in the glass container, I guess thinking of baby names or something.
So, #1 was still up for debate. It only made sense to put Ox in the mailbox of a neighbor as a practical joke. I tiptoed to this house with the help of friends and made my delivery atop Ikea ads and Giant Eagle flyers. Later, I heard through the grapevine, my neighbor actually fainted when she reached in to feel Ox's body instead of paper. (My mom later made me apologize, which couldn't have been more awkward).
I returned "Replacement Ox" back to school in the fall. A month into school I was approached by this teacher who thanked me for watching his spider. His thank you looked like him burning a hole into my face with his eyes (I guess he could tell Ox had changed over the summer, maybe even had kids. This I guess was perplexing since Ox was a male).
So, that's one of my animal stories from the past, an oldie but a goodie.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Pet Peeve # 1

I have many pet peeves, but I'll describe one in depth for this blog: People who THINK they are funny, but really are not. I have been in many a room when everyone is laughing at a joke or comment, I find not comical. I muster a smile, laugh, or some other sort of noise hoping everyone thinks I am laughing at the nonhumor, because really, what else can I do? Now, maybe I am the one lacking a sense of humor, but I don't think this is the case. So, I have realized that many people out there find themselves comical, unable to face the sad truth. Case in point, I had a training last week where the instructor, (I'll call him Pete) was a unfunny, fitmypetpeevetoat type of guy. These were 3 of his knee slappers:
1. Part of the training was related to choking victims, and how to save them. Pete was telling the story of a boy who choked on a lifesaver and how he used the Heimlich to save his life. Pete also told the fun fact of how a lifesaver has a hole in the middle so it really can help save someones life by the small bit of oxygen allowed to enter the lungs of a choking victim. Okay so far Pete, I now have some useless information to add to my repertoire of goodies in some part of my brain. Here it comes.... "Guess it wasn't really a lifesaver in this situation."
People actually LAUGHED at this. I grabbed a piece of candy from my purse and tried to choke, telling everyone NOT to save me. It was 8:45, 5 hours and 30 minutes left of this torture.
2. The next part of training entailed what to do for a burn victim. This is how he prefaced this topic. "I'll tell you what burns.... a spicy chicken sandwich from KFC."
3. A nice woman brought cold beverages for the last part of the training, because as noted above, everyone was comatose, one from the information, and two from the unlaughable comments mentioned. Another trainee who I was sitting with asked, "Why do PA people call soda, pop?" Pete, overheard and said, "Is carbonated flavored beverage better?"
I actually wrote these comments in my planner, because they were that bad. Now, am I eligible for a last comic standing gig, no. Do I think I'm funny? Sometimes, depends on the crowd. But would I ever try to use these types of jokes to get a rise out of people. NO.

 

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