Grandmania!

Today is a monumental day, not so much for me, but for the ol' pops. My grandma is now a resident of the 304. Saturday night gma's "criminals" were back in her basement, stealing their share of paint, soap, and my favorite, her car keys. They leave the car, but only want the keys. These thieves are masterminds and thrive on practicality with each find. Gma took her bad self in her nightie, holding her 22 (which is kept between the couch cushions) and went to her neighbor's house at midnight. The cops showed up, they called my dad, a huge fiasco, which escalated to gma using my old closet, and setting up shop on dad's couch from here on out. When I went over today to survey the situation, and see if my dad was having heart palpatations yet, gma needed some help in the old wardrobe department. There I was helping my gma dress and undress, and I kept thinking, where is the spunky, crass, sarcastic lady I used to know? Gotye was playing through my mind as I tried to make sense of the sight before me. Are those what Slinkies look like at the end of their life? OMG I'll stop there. I'm sure the next few weeks, months, and hopefully years will be full of great memories and more gma stories. I just pray that this new living situation is best for all! xoxo :)

Shake the Glitter (Part I)

If you can guess the name of Part II of my blog, I will give you one of the snazzy magnets I bought in Vegas as a souveneir. "It's Vegas baby!" Josh and I took a quick three day getaway to my old hometown out west for our five year anniversary. I will give you a quick overview of our trip....here goes! So I'm not the best traveler, however,... I LOVE to fly...something about going to the airport, the hustle and bustle, people catching flights, getting luggage, it's all so exciting. I think post offices and airports are very intriguing. Where are you sending your mail to or flying to, and would I actually want to know the answer and be interested if I asked you this question. I am NOT a good traveler, because I get very motion sickies. On our flight to Punta Cana for our honeymoon, I spent the whole time trying not to ralph on the person next to me. Dramamine worked like a charm this time, so I was hoping it was the beginning of my luck! So here we are on the plane... I thought I was stylin' and profilin' in my fedora, until I literally saw 80 year old men wearing the same one. Josh and I coined the term "fedoucher" because we saw some pretty interesting peeps sporting these trendy hats on our trip. We were laughing so hard at the grand finale when we spotted a "fedoucher" couple lounging by the pool... We stayed at the Encore, which is a sister hotel of the Wynn. One of the five star resorts in Vegas, and it was absolutely breathtaking. We were able to receive a free night at the Encore with the help of our travel agent. We were so glad it worked out because this place rocked! If you are not familiar with the heat out west, it is so different than PA. It literally feels like your skin is melting off, but it isn't humid. It almost takes your breath away because it's so intense. So here we are at the pool... Could I be more cliche (braid, aviators, Hunger Games, sailor suit). If I walked past me, I would be annoyed. Side note, Hunger Games was definitely good, but I'm not dying to read #'s 2 and 3. I'm not a hater, definitely a fan, but not enthralled like the rest of the country. Josh refused to wear sunblock until the last day, whereas I suprisingly, was a crazy applier of at least 30. I didn't want to get fried and be miserable. The saga will continue very shortly...shake the glitter! :)

Talk Less, Blog More

Sooo hello sweet summer! I can't believe it is summer vacation already. It feels surreal because I wasn't there the entire year...it's really over already?! Boxes packed, papers checked, or uh..recycled, grades in, summer on! I will definitely get my taste of stay-at-hom-momism over the next few weeks, and so far so good. I constantly feel like I second guess what I'm doing with Samuel though. Should we have a structured day planned? Should I have read him one more book? Should we do flashcards? Did I refer to Samuel,Mommy, Daddy,using our names instead of pronouns b/c he doesn't understand them yet? Sheesh. Then I go on my homepage and see a mom drove with her baby on the roof of her car and I don't feel so bad about my parenting. Unless that was part of Jackass 4, that lady is a cockledoo, to quote my gf *Bethenny*. My college friend Dana created a bucket list last year in honor of her 30th birthday. I am going to do something similar, but make it more short-term, and have the duration be this summer.. so here goes.. in no particular order: 1. Read my Bible more and blog more...I am not putting a definitive amount here b/c I don't want to set myself up for failure right off the bat. Needless to say, I'm not going to count my dailybible verse that comes through on my app as sufficient. I need to do more. I also need to blog more... I have a lot to say, so if you don't want to hear it, then read it. Talk less, blog more. 2. I hopped on the organization train as of last week, and unless I get majorly derailed (pun intended) my house will be labeled, categorized, color coded, etc. Every day I will take the approach of "bettering" one area or one room. 3. Okay let's get fun now.... I really want to get my final tattoo(s) this summer. I already have one on my right foot for my mom, Philemon 1:4- "I always thank my God when I remember you in my prayers". I am so glad I got this tattoo with my friend Adam Guthrie. That is such a special memory I have with him. My other tattoo I got with Kristin and Tiffany a few years ago. Josh and I were married at the time, so I didn't want to tell him I was going to get another tattoo b/c I knew he would say, "no" and I wasn't okay with "asking" my husband for permission.. what am I Florence Knightengale (did I just make that name up)? So I surprised him at dinner with my new ink, and he asked if it was temporary (kind of offensive to the tattoo artist). I explained that each color represented our favorites... me: yellow, Kristin: purple, Tiffany: blue. He said it looked like a Steelers tattoo. I compromised and said my reasoning for the new tattoo was twofold. :) The sides and locations of my tattoos are purposeful, well I hope that's always the case with tattoos. I like things to be even and balanced. So after tattoo # 1 was on my right foot, tattoo # 2 had to be on the left. Tattoo # 3 will be a huge cross in the middle of my back. Not sure yet on style, size, color, etc. but I have a few ideas. I would also like to get something in my mom's handwriting added to tattoo # 1 on my foot. 4. Be a good auntie to my niece, Elin. She is beyond sweet...so small, precious, and perfect. A gift from God...<3 her. 5. Be okay with self-actualization. The older I get, the more I discover about myself; the good, the bad, the Fugly. Yes that f is necessary... sometimes I catch myself and I think, ugh that's what annoys me about my dad, or what my mom used to do, and now I'm doing it. I'm annoyed with myself for something that annoys me about them, what gives? Something else I realized is I wait until things spiral out of control to take care of them. Examples: my hair in regards to washing and cutting, Samuel's toys at the end of the day, my disorganization. I'm glad I am aware of what I do, but I need to do things better. Speaking of Samuel is crying...more later xoxo

Feblueary

Sometimes February feels like the longest month, even though it's the shortest. My mom passed away in February, nine years tomorrow, and my grandpa passed away last February. I guess my dad and I look at it as the "worst" month, so maybe it's better to have all of your heartache bunched together. As the end of January approaches every year, February looms over me like a dark cloud. I pray that in those 28/29 days, nothing bad happens. Each minute, hour, day, seems so long.....
I don't want to live in fear, especially for a whole month, and I know God's timing sending my mom into heaven was predetermined, but it is a part of my life, I didn't realize I would have to deal with so young.
Some years affect me more than others, but I know that small piece of me that was lost on February 24, 2003, will never come back.
On a more positive note, this year I tried to do something each day to remember my mom.... some of these things included:
1. Eating Twizzlers
2. Playing the Daily Number
3. Praying
4. Sending a card to a friend
5. Buying an even number of fruit/veggies (Thanks for that small OCD component mom)
6. Living in the moment

I'll stop at 6 because that was her favorite number. Inevitably, I DO a lot of these things anyways, because I am a part of her. Dealing with a loss of this magnitude has changed me as a person. There is no way to come out of something like this the same as before it happened.
I don't know what my relationship with my dad would be like if my mom was still alive. We were very jokey, sporty, happy go lucky before, but now, he is my mom and dad and has been both roles for almost a decade. If I'm stressed, PMS-ing, breastfeeding, worried, sad, happy, he has to hear it all, and he is a great listening ear for me. Where I have married, had a baby, he is still in the house. He can visualize her cooking in the kitchen, laying on the couch, walking up the stairs. I know part of the reason he isn't selling is because that is one more huge door that would be closed on our memories that continue to fade.
I think that is one of the hardest parts, the fading memories. As time passes, it's harder to picture her in my mind, hear her voice, and remember. There have been times when I have frantically typed or written things I've remembered about her, with the hope of triggering more and more. These instances have dissipated over the years.
I know this has made me a stronger person, and I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I know other people where if this happened to them, they would be broken forever, wouldn't have bounced back and kept on living. Each day and each year, I celebrate my mom, and now I know how much she loved me, as I get to hold my sweet child everyday. :)

Good to the Last Drop

Welp, my little sweet son is 6 months today! What a milestone! Today was also the last day at work I will be a pumping fool in the nurses office. My original plan was six months and now on this day I feel freedom, guilt, and the need to finally wear a bra with under wire. My boobs are begging to be uplifted from the Medela nursing bra they've been forced into for the last half a year.

Breastfeeding has been so much more than I originally thought. When someone told me, "Your tits will become breasts," upon hearing my pregnancy news, they weren't kidding. It's so amazing what the human body can do. My body supplied my son's nutritional needs for four months, then work got in the way and formula came to the rescue. Watching Samuel drink his first formula bottle was like putting Kryptonite next to Superman. I felt so bad; how can I as his mom give him this junk in a can? To make myself feel better, I started calling it his little "protein drink" and telling him in order to get muscles like mom and dad he needs a little whey in his diet. Then I would remember "curds and whey" from Little Miss Muffet and feel milk guilt all over again. Curds, milk, get it?

So then, Samuel was put in the category of breastfeeding and supplementing, which took awhile to accept, and admit. I never thought I would feel so bad about having to supplement, but really I had no other choice. Pumping at work was not as effective as I'd thought. Coworkers and friends would boast about how they had so much milk they would have to switch bottles during pumping (what are you a tap?) while I would watch each drop with anticipation as each bottle barely hit the 2 oz. mark, leaving me drained in more ways than one.....

On the other hand, I know I will continue to breastfeed in the morning, after work, and in the evening. Samuel is not in the exclusive "formula" category yet. When that day comes, have a glass of wine and a box of tissues for this momma. The only thing that will be rejoicing that fateful day is my new VS bra which has been waiting for its debut since July 13, when this whole adventure began, and when my sweet son was born. :)